Soft ShellPosted: January 26, 2013
Earlier this week I read that someone I considered a friend, had a baby. People have babies every day- it’s always exciting and amazing, but not out of the ordinary. Somehow, this seemed so different. Last year this mom lost a son after having a placental abruption. It was terribly sad and everyone in the group grieved with her. (I don’t expect to be notified of every pregnancy ever- just for the record. But I have talked to this person multiple times over the last 9 months, it seems like it might have been brought up.)
I went to the funeral, I shed unknown amounts of tears- for her, for her son, for mothers everywhere that have lost babies. I just can’t imagine it, I don’t know how to process such a loss. Later that year I left the group but we were still friends on Facebook. We messaged every now an again but not often.
I didn’t even know she was pregnant until a photo of her new son crossed my screen. I cried tears. Happy tears for her family. Sad tears for a friendship that obviously never ever was. Tears that I was so silly to believe it might have been.
It was just one more reminder that the people I’ve met online aren’t really friends, they are merely acquaintances, and I am forgettable. That in the grand scheme of things, I am just another screen name- even if I’ve meet someone in person, even if we have years of kvetching about pregnancy and motherhood together under our belts.
I feel the need to build a shell around me. To not put myself out there. To not participate. To not make friends.
Because the sadness that accompanies knowing that I mean much less to people than they mean to me
I think about what life is like with no real friends. (At least none who live nearby.) I’ve lived it for so long now it doesn’t bother me unless I am smacked in the face with a realization like this. Can you really live your life with no one else? Should I have to live knowing that I am always more “in” than the other parties?
Isn’t it just easier after awhile to go it on your own?